i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
