Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
