I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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