living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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