I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize