I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
