I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
