I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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