It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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