she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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