You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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