pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
