well I can't set my house on fire every night
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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