i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
