While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
