I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
