i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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