Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
