I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
