i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
