2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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