hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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