wake up i wanna do it froggy style
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
