i need an iv and a liver transplant
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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