He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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