She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
