shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
