we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
