Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
