At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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