Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Less talking, more tequila
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
