Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
