i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
