I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
