Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
