Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
