Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
