If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
