Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
