Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
