I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
