Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
