I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
