and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
