I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
