ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
