I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
