why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
