let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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