the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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