Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
a search helicopter?!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
