Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
