Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
