2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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