Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
