I want to stick my p in your. b.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
