My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
